I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
