last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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