I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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