Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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