I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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