you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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