you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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