yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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