Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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