Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
