god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
A+ Viking dick
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
