How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
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