oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
