you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
