Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
