There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
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i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
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Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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