John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
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No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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