Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
