My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
