i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
