just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
