I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
