i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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