I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
