You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
