I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
