you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
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