At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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