Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
