The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
