Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
