You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
