I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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