just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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