so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
