i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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