So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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