Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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