Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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