I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
