You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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