I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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