He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
