That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
