I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
