if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
