paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
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Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
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she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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