Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
