A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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