I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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