I cockslap morals
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
