since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
