What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
