i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
