no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
