My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
