Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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