Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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