haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
