Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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