if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
