Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
