also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
