I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
