dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
