oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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