Little spoons don't ask big questions
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
