True but thats because hes a fetus.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
